Discovering I Have Vaginismus [NSFW]
I must start this blog by saying that it’s taken me a very long time to drum up the confidence to write this blog! Over the past two years, I have felt lots of shame and embarrassment about the whole topic of vaginismus. It’s extremely difficult for me to talk about it – even now I can feel myself starting to choke up as I’m thinking about the subject. And it’s not even like I’m uncomfortable talking about sex – in fact, I’ve always talked openly about sex with my friends and family in the past. However, when it comes to something like vaginismus, I’ve always felt embarrassed that my body doesn’t function the same way as others. Therefore, I avoided talking about it for the longest time!
Despite how uncomfortable I feel sharing this with everyone, I feel as though it’s important. We are brought up thinking that our first time having penetrative sex is going to be an absolutely amazing and life-changing moment. It’s going to be like we watch in the movies or even pornography – god forbid! However, mine certainly was not like any of these things and while it changed my life, it definitely did not for the better! Then, if our first sexual experiences are bad like mine were, we often look to Google for answers. I remember being so upset that sex was so painful for me and being told by Google it was because I had STIs or I was going through early menopause – both of which are not true! The first time I landed on the word vaginismus I had literally no clue what it was. It sounded like a disease of some sort if I’m honest! However, as soon as I read more about what it was, it was obvious this was what I was experiencing.
My aim for this blog is to share my experience of vaginismus and provided support for anyone else suffering from the same condition. I also want to get an open dialogue about the topic started as it was something I had never heard of before – not at school or on TV. I feel like more people should know about vaginismus and understand you’re not alone if you’re experiencing it. I understand how embarrassed and annoyed you might feel at your body but we’re in this together!
What is vaginismus?
Let’s start off by clarifying what we mean by vaginismus. The NHS describe vaginismus as a condition where the vagina suddenly tightens up when you try to insert something into it. This includes everything from a tampon to a penis. It’s actually the body’s automatic reaction to the fear of penetration, which can often stem from bad sexual experiences, unpleasant medical examinations, beliefs about your vagina being too small etc. It doesn’t matter how aroused you are during sex, if you are suffering from vaginismus, you cannot control the tightening of your muscles! That’s what makes it so tough to deal with.
My Experience with Vaginismus
When I was 19, I experienced vaginismus after having sex with my first boyfriend. I remember my first time with him being slightly painful but it wasn’t excruciating – it was definitely something I could handle. I had kind of expected this feeling as it was my first time having sex – and that’s what your told is normal but it definitely shouldn’t be painful at all. However, my mind had obviously latched onto the fact that sex was a painful and uncomfortable thing. The next few times we attempted penetrative sex, the pain was unbelievable. My body would just tense up and all I could think in my head was how much it was going to hurt. Every time he tried, it felt like my vagina was burning and ripping apart. I would often have to stop him because I was crying so much because of the pain.
The way I can describe it to people is by making a small circle with your thumb and index finger and keep them clasped tightly. Then with your other index finger, try to squeeze it through that hole. You will most likely feel resistance and tugging as you push it through. Maybe you’re fingernail digging into your skin. That’s how it feels to have vaginismus but like 300x worse!
Because of what I was experiencing, my partner and I no longer could have penetrative sex because it scared me so much. I would go as far as to say that it massively impacted our relationship. In fact, there was a point in the relationship where he mentioned it to his friends and they all told him to break up with me! I was so upset by this because the pressure to have normal, penetrative sex was just increased at that point. The whole experience made me realise how important sex is in a relationship. Or more importantly, the importance other people place on sex within relationships! Due to all of the mounting pressure, I found my anxiety worsening and I was a very unhappy person for a long time. My partner was very patient but I felt at times he couldn’t be bothered to deal with me and my anxieties. When I did express my worries, he did nothing really to help me. As a result, the anxiety got worse!
Towards the end of our two-year relationship, I think we both gave up hope. I wasn’t ready to end the relationship and accept that I would have to find a new partner who would need to go through this with me. However, the relationship was dead – there was nothing left to save it, not even our supposed friendship! He had moved on already and found someone else (without telling me – thanks for that!) But anyway… him being a cheating asshole is beside the point – let’s get back to my vagina! A phrase I never thought I would say.
As I begin dating again, I realise that the anxiety I experience around sex is something I need to tackle before I get into another relationship. However, I do think that with the right person things would be different. With my ex-boyfriend, it was almost like my body was an angry club bouncer telling me “No, he’s not getting in!” Or at least, that’s what I tell myself! Thankfully, vaginismus is something that can be treated.
What does treatment for vaginismus look like?
Unfortunately, vaginismus is a self-perpetuating condition so it will not go away over time without proper treatment. Instead, it has to be addressed and worked on to be resolved. As I’m still suffering from vaginismus, I cannot preach about the best methods for treating the condition. However, I do want to share a few methods I have tried on my journey to resolving it. I would also recommend doing your research and looking into other ways if you’re suffering.
I followed the guidance available on the NHS and went to the doctor where they referred me to the NHS’ counselling provider. However, I was told that they couldn’t give me the sex therapy I needed to talk through my experiences as they didn’t deal with niches like that. I was pretty much left to my own devices then. I looked into private sex therapy but at £66 a session (their cheapest price), I couldn’t afford it – especially being only a teenager at the time. Once lockdown is over, I’m going to look into this method again. I feel sharing my thoughts and feelings is important to take that weight off your shoulders. Why do you think I write this blog?!
Family members if you’re still reading, which I hope to god you’re not! (Otherwise, Christmas is going to be fucking awkward.) STOP READING NOW.
Another method I have tried is vaginal dilators from Amazon. It’s fairly self-explanatory but for those of you who don’t know what they are, vaginal dilators are plastic tubes that get progressively bigger. You insert to help you get used to having things inside of your vagina. I haven’t been too strict with keeping up my progress since my breakup so I can’t say this method has been effective just yet. However, I will be continuing with the method in the future.
So that’s all for now about my vaginismus journey! I wanted to start a conversation about this topic and I will continue to talk about on my blog – but not too frequently. If you think you are also suffering from vaginismus, I would recommend taking a look at the NHS website – https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/vaginismus/ to find out your symptoms and treatment options.
Also, if you would like to talk to me about how you’re feeling and your struggles, email me on emily@emilydiscovers.com and we can chat all things vaginismus! #vaginiscrew